So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
