youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
