put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's shark week go big or go home
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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