God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize