It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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