The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The air was thick with penises
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
