So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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