his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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