she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
