if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
