Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
