shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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