just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
