sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
