I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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