Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
