good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
