so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
