I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
