I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
