I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
When are your genitals available?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
