So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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