every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
