Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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