I wish I could teleport
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
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Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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