I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I have aggressive nipples.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
