The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
