...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
