I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
