Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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