Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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