There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
