Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
