so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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