apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
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I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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