i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
