Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.