i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back