I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
