Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
