Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
