a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
