Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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