Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
