On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize