You smell like stripper and shame
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
