I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize