On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
