my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I love how my cats smell like pot.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
