I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
