We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
