If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
