she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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