this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
