my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Who died my cat blue again?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
