Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i drank out of a bidet.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
