this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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